These daily walks are a great time for me to think, and I usually take full advantage of the opportunity. Yesterday I tried to figure out why I'm agitated so much, and also why I can't seem to keep a decent pace; I keep speeding up, and have to force myself to slow down.  

It started with "Why?" Why am I walking fast, what's the big deal? Here is the best I can remember of that thought "conversation." 

WHY? I am agitated. Frustrated, excited, scared, lonely.
WHY EXCITED? Going to the marksmanship class tomorrow, finally going to learn the basics in detail, I hope.
WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT? That one is easy. Relax, get my things together, and wait for the morning.
WHY FRUSTRATED? I still can't move IN! I am trapped in limbo, smashed in, shoehorned into my room, surrounded by boxes and boxes and boxes of stuff that I can't help sort, because it's not mine.The sorting process is moving at a glacial pace. I am beginning to feel like I am stuffed in a box.
WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT? This one is harder. I will have to be patient, and help when I can.
WHY SCARED? This is a hard one. I am still afraid of THAT WOMAN (Dory's estate executor, supposedly family, not showing it). Afraid of what she's going to do next.I shouldn't be, she can't do anything to me any more. I have moved out, and she has the damn house now, and can do whatever she wants. I really don't care anymore. I will take and modify a line out of a favorite movie: "She has no power over me." I love "Labyrinth." I should NOT be afraid. She may bluff and threaten, but she cannot do anything to me any more. Horrible woman. Let's not talk of her.
WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT? I will not let my mind wander. I will not think of imaginary conversations with that woman, nor stupid imaginary things she can (can't really) do.
WHY LONELY? I am surrounded by friends on all sides. I think, however, that this is partly because everyone else has someone to cling to, someone to go to at night and share all their worries and fears, hopes, dreams, successes and failures. Someone to curl up against and snuggle with. I don't have anyone that close. Here I am, living with my sister, and she has her own snuggle bear, and that's all they do, all day. It is a constant fresh reminder of what I have lost, and the empty space inside. I suppose this is why I don't hang out in the living room much, and why I prefer to go on these long walks and other activities.
WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT?  I am surrounded by friendshiply love (that's a word, because *I* say so!), I shouldn't be feeling this way. I don't understand where the disconnect is, there is clearly a short somewhere. It probably has something to do with that big, gaping hole. I am still healing, and I need to learn to love and feel love again. Not the romantic, cuddly, smoochy kind of love, but the love of my fellow man, the love that everyone around me is pouring in my direction. All I have to do is open up and let it in. 

I need to remember what I dug up, and remember that *I am NOT alone*. 

Time to go shower and get ready to tick off my shoulder again. It's going to be a GOOD day.